Have you ever experienced a bad/ unhealthy relationship, friendship, job situation, business deal but don’t know if it is actually toxic for you or is it just a temporary feeling? If not, consider yourself lucky and if yes, I feel you, bro! (Been there done that haha)
Okay, I’ll share one of my recent experience with you all because I learned it the hard way that sometimes it is okay to let it go because by doing so you’ll be making way for a better and peaceful life ahead.
STORY OF MY LIFE
5 months back I got this job that matched all of my requirements, even though my interview went so bad because on the day of my interview one of my relatives passed away and I was completely zoned out during the entire interview that I cried my way back home because I wanted this job but I knew I’ll not get it. Somehow, after a month I got a call back from this company that I got selected, and I couldn’t believe that despite a crappy interview, I got the job. I was so excited and started this job with great enthusiasm and zeal because I’d be doing what I always wanted to do. Initially, I loved every bit of my job no matter if the work given to me was big or small, I learned, I gave my best and I was feeling productive and happy.
Soon, I felt monotonous because I was not given the main task for which I was hired and was given all the side tasks. I didn’t complain about them because I was grateful that at least I got the job which I always wanted to have. But somehow I was feeling bored by doing the same task again and again. We were a team of 3-4 people so there was not much scope of long conversations as well. I didn’t mind that because I was enjoying my company, but at times when there was less work pressure, I felt that there should be someone to talk too.
So, during breaks, I used to listen to songs, watch TV series or work on my blog. And in between, I was finally given the task which I wanted to do. I felt amazing when I was finally able to do that task. But it was short-lived. Soon after that task ended, I was again given those small tasks. And that’s where the trouble began. I felt unproductive while I was doing that work, and due to lack of company at my office, I felt alone for the very first time. I’ve always been people’s person, always surrounded by my friends or family outside work, but this was a new feeling for me, something which made me uncomfortable because I was not used to this. Even though I used to chat with my friends or family via phone during work, but I needed a real conversation, someone to motivate me because I was going into the zone of negativity and overthinking.
On some days, I used to motivate myself, did the work despite the fact that I didn’t want to because I was not able to do the task for which I was hired for in the first place. I even told my boss about it, and he said that he’ll give me that task soon. But my patience was withering out.
EMPTY MIND IS A DEVIL’S WORKSHOP
Because I was feeling unproductive by doing all the unnecessary task, no company to entertain, so my over-thinking nature overpowered me in a negative way. I have this bumpy bone below my neck, and I thought that it might be some sort of disease because I googled it (DON’T GOOGLE YOUR ILLNESS, INSTEAD GO TO A DOCTOR AND HAVE A CHECK-UP BECAUSE INTERNET MOSTLY SHOWS THE WORST POSSIBLE DISEASE FOR ANY MINOR TROUBLE THAT YOU MIGHT BE HAVING), so I started over-thinking about it, went to the doctors, they convinced me that it’s nothing, just a bone, so my thoughts now shifted from myself to people who were the closest to me, I started thinking ‘what if something happens to them?’ I know it’s such a vague thought to think about, but my brain was feeling so unproductive and all it could think about was ‘death and diseases’, maybe because this job started with the passing away of my relative that I felt scared of death or anything bad happening to my closer ones and also not being able to distract myself into something productive or meaningful. (IDK it was a weird phase)
I used to feel so guilty because my brain was deliberately thinking these negative thoughts about the people whom I love, and that guilt was just adding up inside me as I was not sharing those thoughts with anyone. The reason why I didn’t share was that I thought by sharing them, people might think that I’m a bad person to think like this about others. I couldn’t take it. I forced myself every morning, to get up, go to the office, try to feel positive and productive, but failing every day. On some days I used to cry because I felt that I had no control over my thoughts, I was feeling unhappy at my job because of all the small tasks assigned to me and my lack of communicating these emotions with others.
FINALLY, I STARTED SHARING
When I thought that I can’t keep all of it inside, I shared (I don’t know why I didn’t do this step earlier, still regret it because if I would have shared it when I was experiencing these emotions for the first time, all this pain might have reduced to a great extent). I shared it with my friends and family. They made sure to be there for me always so that I can get through all this. And it helped a lot.
I felt at peace when I shared. But the next morning when I had to go to the office, all those past emotions, thoughts, and feelings came rushing back in. Again I used to feel so out of control, out of place, I used to go to washroom and cry because I felt so helpless because of all the negativity and guilt that was stored inside me. But every night I used to share whatever I felt with my family and friends, just to lighten up myself and I learned that you should share whatever that you are going through because by sharing happy news the feeling gets double and by sharing about your low and sad moments, it reduces to half.
Everybody advised me to let go of this job if it is affecting me so much. But I didn’t want to let it go. I wanted to try harder. I wanted to be in control of how I feel, but those surroundings reminded me of my past emotions and I didn’t want to give up without a fight. I felt that I’m not weak, I’ll overcome it, it’s just a phase, and it’ll be over soon. But it didn’t.
GOD GAVE ME A HINT
When I was about to sink, God gave me a hint that it’s time to let it go. This company had one major client for which they worked, and they decided to put this work on hold because they wanted to evaluate certain things about our efficiency of work. So they said that they are putting the work on hold for a while. And my stress of not doing something productive and having all these negative thoughts just took a toll on my health and as a result, my BP increased slightly.
I guess that was my realization point to let it go. Because I will not be able to get an opportunity to do the task for which I was assigned and it was uncertain for how long they’ll be not re-starting this work and also now it was taking a toll on my mental and physical health. I thought now is the time to let it go. Since there was no certainty as to when I’ll be able to get work assigned again, I decided to resign.
I ended it on a good note with my boss and came up with an agreement that whenever they’ll re-start the process, I can work as a freelance with them. And when I stepped out from the office, that feeling of being light-headed, no thoughts, finally moving on, that feeling was INDESCRIBABLE. I COULD BREATHE AGAIN, AND THAT WAS A BREATH OF A FRESH AND POSITIVE START, LEAVING ALL THE NEGATIVITY BEHIND.
I will not say that there was something wrong with the company or with the people or the job; I guess it was not meant for me. After all, it all began on a bad note (the interview…) maybe it was never meant to be and I was just holding on to the hope that it might get better soon.
It is after we go through something toxic that we realize that by holding on to it more tighter we were just hurting ourselves more and seeing us like this, people who care for us feel hurt too because they can’t see us like this and at the same time feel helpless that they are unable to make us feel better.
I don’t know what I’ll do next. I’ll have to re-start again, and it’ll be hard. I still feel a bit anxious when I’m alone because it just brings back all the past memories when I used to be alone in the office and had those negative thoughts. So, I distract myself by either going out with my friends or family or do anything productive. But I don’t regret my decision of resigning. In fact, I’m grateful that I finally gathered the courage to LET IT GO.
1) SHARE- Share whatever that is going on in your mind. Don’t fear that you’ll be judged for it. In fact, you might just feel light and happy again because probably you’ll find out that it’s not something new which is happening to you and other’s might have gone through the same phase, so you can learn from their experiences.
2) REALIZE- Realize when the situation that you are in is growing you or just bringing you down, making you happy or sad and low, making you feel worthy or decreasing your self-worth. Because if it is toxic, LET IT GO. LET GO OF EVERYTHING THAT WEIGHS YOU DOWN. IT’S NOT WORTH IT. BE IT PEOPLE OR ANYTHING.
3) PRIORITIZE- Prioritize your mental and physical health over anything. Nothing or no one should come above your peace of mind. Nothing is worth a fraction of your second if it is just destroying you or your health. LET IT GO.
4) LEARN- Learn from your past mistakes, experiences, emotions and try not to repeat them. And even if you do, it’s okay after all we are only humans, we learn from our mistakes.
5) POWER OF MIND- I learned that our mind, our thoughts play a vital role in how we feel. So don’t let anyone or anything rent a space in your mind for free.
SOMETIMES IT’S OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY. IT’S JUST A PHASE IT’LL BE OVER SOON.
P.S. I know it is a long blog, but I wanted to let it out. If you have experienced anything similar you are free to share them in the comments below! I’d love to read them!
I’ll make the next blog short (haha)
Until then, live positively and happily!!